I wrote an article called “Why Men Don’t Like Desperate” I wrote this article to give women a heads up on how men perceive desperate women in a general sense. The responses that I have been receiving, I did not expect. Some good things were said but there was an awful lot of bad things said. This is how I gauged the responses if someone emailed me and just raged against the article with absolutely nothing constructive to say then it must have hit a sore spot meaning that they are currently the desperate woman or has been a desperate woman, and are not ready to admit it to themselves. Others chose to use the article to learn from it or to debate its merits. They called me out on some things and I feel that I need to try to answer  some of these issues that were brought to my attention. Below you will find a couple of response to the article after each I will attempt to respond.

Hello Mr. Man,

I hope this letter finds you to be having a wonderful New Year. I started off my new year by reading your article about DW on Facebook. It was good stuff. I’m sure that many women could associate it with either themselves or someone they know .For me, I can pin point instances where I was probably viewed as the DW, realized I was the DW and turned into a BITCH….lol.

My thing is, it’s not hard to be a BITCH but it’s not always easy to attract someone when you are a BITCH. Well hard to attract someone that you don’t want to feel like you always have to be a BITCH with. I think by nature, women do not want to all ways be that much in control. I don’t know. Maybe I’m speaking for myself.

I am a 39.95 year old female (birthday in 30 days) and I think I am at the stage in between DW and BITCH right now. I know I deserve a lot. I feel like, and have been told that I am down to earth. But when dating, I don’t have patience for dumb $#!& any more. Then I find my self w/o a companion for longer than I deem appropriate and start to feel….you guessed it …DESPERATE.

40 is a tough age. I was told the other day by a male who shares your views that successful men do not marry for love. They marry for children and hopefully w/ a sensible woman. That means that they are looking for women in the 26-35 age range. I didn’t feel DESPERATE when he said it…just a little sad…lol. What’s a lady to do?

Just rambling.

Have a good one.

39.95

My response:

Let me take a few steps back and start with this term “Bitch” as we know it’s one of those loaded terms that have many meanings both bad and good depending on how it’s used. The way it’s being used here is what matters.  Being a “bitch” simple means putting a value on you.  How much are you worth? Are you worth having the car door opened for you when you go out on a date? Are you worth being treated with the respect that you feel you deserve? Are you worth not being lied to or cheated on? Being a bitch is not about being an asshole to someone it’s about having the confidence to draw clear boundaries of what you will and what you will not put up with.

Men can only treat you like shit if you allow it. If you have no standards of how you want to be treated then men will treat you accordingly. Example of setting a standard: If you want your man to open your car door when you go out you must set a standard at the “beginning.”  He picks you up to go out when you get to the car the only thing you have to do is walk to the passenger door and smile and wait for him to open it. When he does open it you smile again and simple say “thank you, you are such a gentleman.”  Done – Man trained and standard set.  Now he knows that you have expectations and he will start to meet them.  Now let’s do the other side to this and say you allowed him to go around and get in the car without setting a standard. What do you think is going to happen now? He’s not going to be opening your car door that’s for sure, why should he? You didn’t set that standard in the relationship.  Were you being a “bitch” when you waited for him to open your door? Yes!! Lol but this is what we like,  someone with the confidence and the self esteem to command how they want to be treated. Someone we can respect, someone we will fight to keep because we feel lucky to have her because she has standards to meet.

Ladies it’s really that simple. We are not that complicated and you give us far too much credit!  It’s all about learning to balance your inner bitch. You don’t have to always have your inner bitch out full blast. as a matter of fact you only need to display her when your standards are being compromised. We are simple creatures, but we are not going to stay in a relationship with a “full time bitch” because we know that there is no pleasing her. What we want is a woman who sets her standards and when we meet them we are rewarded with a smile or a thank you!  Remember,  by nature we are providers and protectors.  If you have no standards for us to meet, provide or protect, then you are not fulfilling a simple law of nature and we will undoubtedly only stay around long enough to get it. If you deserve a lot then you must have the confidence to express to the world what you are worth and compromising is not acceptable.

“I think I am at the stage in between DW and BITCH right now. I know I deserve a lot. I feel like, and have been told that I am down to earth. But when dating, I don’t have patience for dumb $#!& any more. Then I find my self w/o a companion for longer than I deem appropriate and start to feel….you guessed it …DESPERATE.”

I can totally understand this statement and what you are expressing. You are old enough to know what you want now.  You know how you want a man to treat you, you have your set of standards, but you feel as though time is running out because of your age –  this is what makes you feel desperate. WOW!! Complicated?  Yes indeed, but if you compromise on your standards you will only end up with someone who can only make you happy in the short term. I can’t say that I agree with your friend about successful men not marrying for love, most men who are 40+ and single already have kids and don’t want anymore and those that do not may also be feeling the same pressures as you, yet they are better at composing themselves. What we want is a woman who is “confident and comfortable”  in her skin. This is HUGE for us – That confidence thing will determine your worth immediately.  Someone who knows who they are and what they want and can express it.  My advice to you is to simply continue to develop who you are and  stop worrying about the age thing because if a man is going to penalize you for your age then he is only a boy anyway – and I know you are not looking for one of those.

Here is another post,  I took this response from the comment section of the actual article:

So I’m going to copy and paste a paragraph first….then say my ‘comment’ and ask my question:
~~~Have you every known a really great guy and he’s dating a total bitch? You say to yourself, “what the fuck is he with her for? She treats him like shit.  The reason is really simple; she makes him feel lucky to have her. Men like to feel like they got a great deal that they are not supposed to have, and Ms. Shitty attitude does that. How does she do that? By not coming across as a DW! She makes us chase her, so we see her as being unattainable. When we get her we want to “keep her” at all cost because everyone knows that things you have to work hard for you tend to value more. Therefore, she becomes the keeper, the prime candidate for wife status. We’ll bend over backwards for these women, we become there bitches, willing to do whatever is necessary to keep them happy; anything to “stay” the lucky guy.

So, question:  IF this woman who is bitchy and attitudinal, causing you to keep coming at her over and over and over again… is she not desperate also?  I mean she’s (at least in my opinion) desperate enough to PLOT to keep you coming back FOR ATTENTION…she’s desperate for attention… ANNNDD if the guy in question is ‘constantly trying to figure out how and why’…then does that act alone not put him in that ‘desperate’ category too?  I’m just wondering- at what point do we GROW UP and just say ‘lady, you’re too aggressive for me, let’s slow it down and see what’s up’ or ‘look lady, you’re not right for me’.  WHY would you ‘pity her’ as if she could’t be with somebody else?  And lead her to believe that you were interested in her… sleep with her and INSTANTLY she’s the ‘booty call girl’ TO YOU, but QUITE POSSIBLY to her, she’s the apple of your eye?  Has that ever been considered?  Actions are often times ‘mis read’ buy the sexes…LOL  A lot of times we (women) look wwwaayy deeper into the things you (men) do, since you (men) won’t really SAY…we are kinda FORCED to try to figure things out.  And the one time we ‘read it wrong’; we’re the jump off… So not fair.  She just might be ‘pity’ to you, but over all a very good/nice lady who can be great with someone else… BUT that’s usually over looked and you sleep with her… lead her one to think other wise, leave her a bit scarred possibly then potentionally emotionally unavailable for the next guy- the one who DOESN’T see her as pitiful…

Now, I do think there were a lot of great points hit on in this article, but at the same time, some things that MAY have been over looked.  Also, I do also know there are some women out there who ARE very desperate and who WILL drop the panties at the VERY FIRST smile from the guy of interest.  Those women- well… I just don’t know…(LOL), but I’m not so sure I believe that the majority of the women out there who’ve SHOWN INTEREST in a guy is ‘THAT’ woman.  Could be, but in my mind, it’s a lot more of the other kind out there…

(Good read)

Okay,  let me take this one question at a time. First, we must not look at these relationships from our (men’s) point of view but from their (women’s) point of view; everything is a matter of perspective after all.  I have been in a couple of these relationships, so I will be talking directly from my personal experiences.  As I have said earlier in this article,  if a woman is a “full time bitch” then it’s not going to last because the man quickly figures out that no matter what he does he will not be able to please her. So there really is no need for him to keep trying.  If a woman comes across as if she is “plotting” it will show and he will treat her accordingly. A man likes to feel needed – a women needs to feel wanted, and somewhere in between the couple must find a balance.  Setting her standards and placing value on herself within the dynamics of the relationship and maintaining those standards is the act of being a “bitch.” When these standards are set, and the man meets them, then both of their needs are fulfilled.  She feels wanted and loved because the man has taken the time to meet her standards. He feels needed because the woman has set the standards for him to meet. Now looking at this as an outsider we see a woman being a “bitch” and a man that looks to be pu$%y whipped.   But,  in realty both parties are getting what they need.  In order for this dynamic to work the balance must be maintained.

Looking at the situation again and reviewing another dynamic that was brought up, was that the man was “constantly trying to figure out how and why.” This is not the case, what he is doing is simply trying to meet the standards that she has set, and in this process he has his needs meet. There is no desperation in this relationship as long as the lines of communication stay open and they each ask for what they need. Also, to be able to compromise on the things that may be beyond the other person reach to provide. In my opinion this is what “grown ups” do.

Next thing – “the booty call girl”  Why do women become the booty call girl? This happens because you set bad standards from the start. If I meet you in a club, church or anywhere else, and you were the aggressor and I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being aggressive if you see someone that you like, but there are limits and double standards, as much as we want to think that we have progressed past certain issues, this is one that men still have a hard time with. Aggressive women can sometimes be perceived as desperate and easy! There, I said it. Who wants to be in a relationship with the easy, desperate woman?   No one. But we will keep them as “the booty call girl.”  Please listen up ladies,  it’s all about the standards you set, and what you are willing to put up with. If you let a man f%$k you in the bathroom of the club on your second date,  you have set a standard – an extremely low one. And you can NOT  expect him the put out for a $500 a night, romantic hotel on Miami Beach the next time.Or take you home to meet his mom. Most men have no standards concerning who they will have sex with,  it’s a sliding scale depending mostly on their options, it that simple.  Women always over think on these issues,  you really do give men way too much credit.  Let me give you an example of what women think and what we are thinking when we first meet.

Women: Wow he has a nice smile.                                    Men:Damn she has a nice ass.

Women: He is handsome.                                                   Men: Nice tits too.

Women: He can hold a conversation, he seems intelligent.               Men: I wonder if she gives head.

Woman: We would make a nice couple.                            Men: Yeah,  I’d  f&%# her.

Unfortunately,  you are right,  it does not take much to end up as “the booty call girl” because words and actions are misread by the sexes. That is why is so important to set standards through good communication leaving nothing to chance, that’s if you really like the person and want more from the relationship. The question with the “booty call girl” is,  can she become the girlfriend? That’s highly unlikely, but the good thing is this “one mans booty call is another mans wife.” If you have identified yourself as “the booty call girl” the best thing you can do is end it, as long as you allow yourself to be there  he will take it, because like it or not, if you are willing to hold that position you will also hold the one as the desperate woman… So don’t expect anything more than that.

Mr. Man

Juicy Girl Talk

man@juicygirltalk.com

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