A lady friend of mine, let’s call her Amy, asked me a question the other day. When I first heard the question it seemed like a simple one, until I went to open my mouth to give her an answer. Then suddenly I realized that this question was not so simple, and that the answer would have to be relative to the individual person and his or her experiences. “How can you tell if a man loves you?” Seems simple enough right?  I must explain a few things about Amy first so that you can understand why I was so stumped by her question.  Amy is a thirty-eight year old mother of four, her children range in ages from 5-14 years old and she’s a well educated professional in corporate America.

Amy’s husband, let’s call him Mike happens to be a corporate attorney who by all appearances is a great catch. Mike is one of the best fathers I have ever met and over all he really is a great guy. Mike is a good provider that works very hard to give his family the things that they desire. Before we go any further I think it’s only right if I disclose to you that Mike is my best friend. Mike and I went to high school and college together so I have known Mike a very long time. In our younger days we did what boys do, we played the game and took no prisoners – women were a sport and we left a long line of broken hearts in our wake. The funny thing is that we both had our hearts broken quite a few times also. We were so young and naive back then, as I think back on those days I have mixed emotions – I smile, I cringe and I feel embarrassed at the same time I feel a bit cocky, but mostly I feel remorseful and sad.

I was with Mike the night he met Amy. It was the first time I saw Mike at a loss for words, if you can imagine this six foot five guy, two hundred and fifty pounds standing there looking like some body’s lost child. It was so funny; of course I laughed my ass off, and teased him accordingly. He pursued this girl for months, flowers at her office every week, chocolate candy, hand written poems and notes. Meanwhile, the whole time I was thinking- who is this guy? What happened to Mike? The Mike I knew had a two week rule, he would take the ladies out three times in a two week period and if she wasn’t “putting out” he ended it, and even if she did put out – he still ended it.  One time while we were drinking I asked him the logic behind his “two week thing.”  This was his answer: “if she does not put out within the two week period then she is probably looking for some kind of relationship, and I don’t want any part of that shit.” Then I asked, what if she does put out within your two week time frame Mike? Mike leaned back into his chair as if contemplating man kind’s greatest challenges,  I remember thinking “this is going to be really deep.” Mike proceeded to lean forward as if he held the secret on how to get that pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Strangely enough I couldn’t help but feel honored that he would trust me with this information.   He said  “if she puts out on schedule, then she’s probably a tramp and who wants to seriously be with a tramp?” Mike must have seen the confused look on my face, as he smirked,  he told me to just forget about it because I was too simple to understand the mind of a master.

After 4 months Amy finally gave in and they started dating, exactly one year later they were engaged. Just three months after the engagement I found myself standing next to Mike in a packed church as his best man with a hangover from hell, thinking about the night before. Was I really standing next to the same person from last night? Mike and I met a few friends in Vegas to give Mike a small bachelor party, you know, to show him what he was about to be giving up forever. I thought that the old Mike was gone because the entire time he and Amy had been dating he had not even looked at another woman. The first night Mike was on his best behavior, but last night his inner demons resurfaced. I tried to stop him, I told him what a good woman he had, I really tried hard because I like Amy, she’s a sweet and wonderful woman, but things happened that were out of my control. There I was standing next to “Mike the cheating groom”. We talked on the flight home I told him that maybe he was not ready for such a commitment now, and that he should probably give it some more time. Mike told me that I was talking nonsense, that what  happened was nothing- just a last fling he had to get out of his system. Mike told me that he loved Amy with everything he was, she made him complete and no other woman had come close to making him feel that way. I believed him when he said it, but I could not help feel a little sick and sad standing next to this guy, my best friend, whom I know deep down inside is not capable of doing the right thing. That was seventeen years ago and Mike has never stopped cheating on Amy. Mike had never gotten caught either he was really good at it, he had his rules that he followed you see. He called them “Mike’s golden rules to maintaining a happy wife that leads to a happy home.”  I think there were about 10 rules but I can only remember a few.

1. Maintain your relationship with God (go to church every Sunday)

2. Always handle your business first.  (You must be the best provider)

3. Be the best father.

4. Always treat your wife like your girl friend.

5. Never get involved with any one woman beyond two months. (this was the hit and run rule)

I was an unwilling participant in a lot of his philandering over the years. I aided Mike many times in maintaining his cover. Mike’s down fall came when he broke one of his very own rules. “ Never get involved with any woman for more than two months” – his hit and run rule. He believed that if you are involved with any one woman for more than two months,  you would start to develop feelings for her and this would lead to an affair. Out of all the stupid things that Mike has come up with, he was truly right about this one; affairs always end one way – ugly!

The other woman knew all about his wife and kids. She told Mike that she understood his situation and would never cause his home any harm. That was six years and two kids ago. It’s true, she never caused his home any harm directly. I know this sounds crazy right? Mike has had two families for the last five years. He says that he loves both women, that they provide very different things for him. I think about this sometimes and say what everyone else must be saying –  Mike is a selfish ass. This is true, I feel that I am no better than he is for allowing myself to get pulled into his mess. I didn’t get involved in a small way either, I am god father to both sets of kids. I have been to all the  birthday parties and have met the mistress’ family.

You are probably wondering how Amy found out right? Well, last year Mike’s assistant retired and he hires a new one. The old assistant knew all about his “two families,” he said that he was  “breaking the new one in on the way things are.” Mike often utilized his assistant to handle his personal matters like buying gifts for his Kids Christmas and birthdays. The assistant had a list of the kids and their birthdays, but had not been told that there were two mommies involved. So she sends a birthday gift to Mike’s house with a card that read “Happy 5th Birthday Jr., I love you with all my heart, love Daddy.” It was an autographed baseball signed by Yankee great Derek Jeter to Mike Jr… There was one major problem here though, Amy and Mike had no boys. This led Amy to hire a private investigator and one month later she was having a conversation in Mike’s “other living room” with his mistress and her lawyer, all waiting for Mike to walk through the door.

Up until this point I had managed to claim that I had know idea about any of this and I was just as surprised as she was. I knew one day she would find out the truth and I would lose a really great friend. So there you have it, a seemingly simple question made so complicated. I gave Amy an answer, not from my brain, but from my heart. I told her that when a man truly loves a woman not only will you here the words, but his actions will scream it. His first thought when he wakes up is of you, and he can not wait to fall asleep at night so he can open his eyes to you in the morning. That his ultimate goal for his day is to come home to you. That he would rather hurt him self than cause you any pain. When he looks at you, you know at that moment that your are the only woman in the world. When he smiles at you, you know that his smile is yours and that there is know one who can make him smile exactly like that. When a man truly loves a woman you will know and there will be no questions if he does or not. Amy looked me straight in the eyes and asked me “do you think Mike ever loved me?” I wanted to look away so badly the guilt was so thick in my throat, I said I think you know. I think you have always known.

Mike calls her every day now begging for forgiveness asking for a second chance. He has since broken off the relationship with the other woman, but maintains a relationships with the kids. My personal opinion on the subject is that if a man loves you he would not risk the relationship for such foolishness. Anybody can cheat, but it takes a man to be true, to do the right thing when there is no one watching that’s what makes a man.

Mr. Man

man@juicygirltalk.com

As seen on Oprah, CBS News And NBC News

What You Absolutely Must Know About Your Relationship – Test Your Compatibility And Grow Deeper In Love. For Those Dating, Married Or Even In A Long Distance Relationship.