I was sitting at my favorite Starbucks the other day attempting to manage my in-box and get some writing done, when I took notice of the amount of couples that were there, all in different stages of what I like to call “The Relationship Cycle.” I have always found it a bit amusing the way you can tell what’s “new and fresh,” what’s “midway and boring” and lastly, what’s  “ending in flames”.

There is such a huge difference in the way these couples display there feelings both physically and verbally. I found myself fascinated and intrigued with my new found hobby of the day, so I did what any self proclaimed social shrink would do, I stopped minding my business and started minding theirs.

Let’s talk about the “Newbie’s” first, they are my personal favorites because there is so much going on with them. The first major thing is weather or not they have slept together yet, this determines a lot, especially in the way he behaves because if he has not been with her sexually he is still doing all the “extra stuff’ that we as men do to get “it.”  You know, things like listening, being on time, going out to the extra nice places, shopping, candle lit dinners, watching reality TV, unexpected complements, this list goes on depending on the degree of difficulty.  This is the stage where we invest heavily into what we hope to get in the near future, this is the “pre-sex” us. The post-sex us is a little less giving. This is where we start to pull back on the investing, don’t get me wrong we still maintain, (somewhat) but there is a definite shift in the dynamics of the relationship. I’m sure as women you may have noticed these “subtle” changes. We become more interested in the sex, therefore some of the things we did during the pre-sex stage just becomes extra steps that we’d rather not take. All we really want at this point is to get to the center of the tootsie pop.  It’s like finding new land to explore and we have just started the expedition. Meanwhile, women still want to go to the movies and out to dinner, and we on the other hand are thinking what we perceive to be the obvious, “Why do you want to go out? Can’t you see we have just discovered a new planet and we have barely walked on it, damn it.”

Back to my “Newbie’s” from my expert observation, I can tell that he has not, I repeat, has not done the deed. Look at this guy he is really pouring it on, he’s laughing at everything she says, holding her hand every chance he gets, he’s leaning in and listening intently like he “really cares.” If I had not been in his exact position countless times I’d swear he was for real; this guy is good. He’s seriously close to closing the deal for sure, judging by her response I’d say one more good date, and if I was him I’d do the  ole “you must let me cook you dinner” at my place of course.

Now, let’s look at “midway and boring” look at these two- this is really sad, he’s looking at every piece of ass that passes his table, dude for crying out loud have some respect, but in his defense she has been on her blackberry from the moment she sat down.  It’s hard to tell who’s to blame for this smelly turd of a relationship, but if I was a betting man I’d say he has been cheating for awhile, and will probably get caught sooner than later. He’s what we call reckless.  His action also screams that he really does not care if she finds out anyway. I can tell he wants out but he is a coward, he rather have her “leave him” than be a man and say he wants to move on.  I must admit that I have been guilty of that move a few times. Nothing to be proud of, but it’s convenient and less messy than the alternative; men just don’t do breakups well, we find it a bit awkward and uncomfortable to say the least. This method is definitely better, it takes a little longer but you get the same result with hardly any guilt after all she broke up with you right?

The last stage,“Ending in Flames” this is the worst, you can almost smell the resentment.  At this point there is absolutely no respect left, there is nothing to save, and they are just going through the motions. This is classic; he walks in front of her, comes in- does not hold the door; she calls him a” stupid ass” loud enough that everyone within earshot heard it including the two kids she has in tow. Poor guy, yeah I have a soft spot for him, and yes I have been in his shoes also. He is “trapped” at least he thinks he’s trapped, but really it’s his guilt that keeps him there coupled with a few other factors like obligation, and the very real possibility of losing half his shit!  Damn, and what about the kids? Such a tragedy. I would not want to be in his shoes. I am seriously fighting my Tourette’s right now, my therapist said I have made some progress recently, but at this moment I really want to tell this guy to just give her half and just split the kids down the middle one for each of them! But if I said that I think that would be considered a set back.

Now for my expert opinion that I feel would make life a lot easier for everyone. What if we only practice the first part? Please hear me out on this one and think about it for a minute, if we were honest at the start and said ” hey I only practice Newbieism in my relationships.” I think the world would be a much happier place. Doing it this way you only get the best part of the relationship, I mean if we are being totally honest with ourselves  and ask the question -would we really want the other parts? Please feel free to correct me if you think otherwise ,I welcome your point of view.

Mr. Man

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